Annual Thankgiving Prayers

Today, starts our annual Thanksgiving Prayers. We've been doing this as a family for about 5 years and each time we feel more gratitude for our blessings. During this week, our prayers are only to be things we are grateful for and why. The prayers at the beginning of the week are sometimes a little short, but as the week goes along they become more meaningful and a bit longer. I'm excited this year especially because I'm still working on my own Gratitude/Faith.

I'm grateful for...
Husband who is patient with my weaknesses
Children who try to make good choices
Parents who give and serve me tirelessly
Brothers and Sisters for each of their fun personalities
Nieces and Nephews who give great hugs
Heavenly Father for his endless direction and love
My Savior Jesus Christ for the Atonement for that wonderful gift that I can be forgiven
the Holy Ghost for his comfort
Our Home for its coziness and protection
Dennis's Job that He provides for us
My Car, even though its making some funny sounds, keeps working
Friends who always lift me up just by being my friend
Food to eat
Clothes to wear
Shoes for my feet
Not having hair, it makes my "get ready" time really quick
.....

I'm going to keep working on this list as I explore Gratitude.

A Physical Battle

I did not realize until recently what a physical battle it is to live by Faith. I know that doesn't sound right but for me it seem very physical. For me, I have moments of great Faith, which brings peace and submissiveness, but it does not stay around long. Why? I'm still trying to work all that through. Now more than ever I know there is serious opposition to all that is good, opposition that wants us to feel less than we are, afraid, unsure, scared, lost, unworthy, no hope. Those feelings are very physical and affect how I look at everything, so I find myself constantly fighting against those feelings, fighting to have peace. Again as the time grows closer for my "hard" chemo treatment I find myself in this battle of Faith vs Fear, and I hate to say that a lot of time fear is winning. On Sunday before my treatment, having a prayer in my heart, pleading with the Lord to please help me have peace, it all came crumbling in. I looked at the faces of a dear family who less than a year ago lost their mom to cancer, and I could not stop the fear. It envelopes me, right there in Sacrament Meeting. I plead and plead with the Lord to please take it away. Fighting tears the entire meeting, finally a young man get up to bear his Testimony. He decides to share a scripture... "Did I not speak peace unto your mind" I don't know anything he said after that, The Lord was speaking to me. "Kim" what else do you need? "I did speak peace to your mind" And then I receive a gentle reminder of the peace I seek. Oh how do I keep that peace around a while? But the mind is weak, and I continue to seek it, I continue to fight against the oppositional feelings of fear and doubt.

I received a blessing from my brother, when I did not feel like I could do it again. He told me not to forget about Gratitude. That Faith and Gratitude work hand in hand. We talked after the blessing, and now I have somethings to work on. Gratitude. I've been reading the conference additions of the Ensign, Elder Bednar and President Monson's talk I loved this quote by President Monson "Both abundance and lack (of abundance) exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend..." I'm afraid I've been tending the weeds of fear, doubt, no hope until my secret garden is overgrown, It now going to take a little work to nourish the flowers of hope, faith, gratitude, love there to be able to live by faith.

This life is a process, I'm in the process and still working! And I thank my Heavenly Father for his endless patience

Struggling

I've not written in a while, because I've been really feeling down, struggling with my resolve, struggling with faith, struggling with purpose, in general having a rough time. Before my last "hard" treatment, I started playing the "its not fair" game. Not a game I like to play and really it has no purpose, except a destructive one. and to make me struggle more. Our family had the opportunity again this year to go to Rocky Point over fall break again. Which is a big thing, as I was suppose to have my "hard" treatment that week and my Dr. let me take that week off so we could go. It was towards the end of that week that the reality of what (my) life consist of started to hit. "It's not fair, I don't want to be sick", "I don't want to have to plan my life around chemo treatments", "I want to participate in life, not just watch it go by while I'm sick from chemo". . When the sign up sheet is passed around in R.S. to sign up to bring in a meal, or help out with something, I want to sign it, but I can't. "Will I feel sick then?" "Or does it conflict with my treatments" . "I don't want to do this anymore". And so it goes in this downward spiral. I know who is behind the "its not fair" game and this BIG pity party that I've been on. Just because I know who's behind it, how do I climb out? I thought I knew. I started doing the things with more effort the things I'm suppose to. Pray more, Read my Scriptures more, Attend the Temple, Pray, Read, Pray, but it wasn't working. It worked before, why not now?

It started getting pretty bad, fear set in, doubt was creeping into my heart. Was I ever going to be healthy? Or was my life going to revolve around Dr's., chemo treatments, health issues. Did the Priesthood blessing I received going to happen? Was I worthy of it? Was I ever going to feel "normal"? These feeling continued through my last "hard" treatment and to my next regular treatment and am now just starting to feel my heart turn. I don't know exactly what has made the difference, maybe a lot of little things. I've continued to study my scriptures, maybe a little harder, I've prayed, maybe a little more harder. Maybe it was, Gratitude. During my prayers after the worst of the sickness was over, I realized that it could be much worse, and in my simple way, decided to thank my Heavenly Father that I know it could be worse, and I know he is helping me, and to thank Him. I think that was the key to open my heart, a heart closed by uncertainty, Was starting to open.

It's still opening, I'm still working on it. Still reading, praying, now adding gratitude and service.
Hope I'm learning what my Heavenly Father want me to learn. Still trying.