I did not realize until recently what a physical battle it is to live by Faith. I know that doesn't sound right but for me it seem very physical. For me, I have moments of great Faith, which brings peace and submissiveness, but it does not stay around long. Why? I'm still trying to work all that through. Now more than ever I know there is serious opposition to all that is good, opposition that wants us to feel less than we are, afraid, unsure, scared, lost, unworthy, no hope. Those feelings are very physical and affect how I look at everything, so I find myself constantly fighting against those feelings, fighting to have peace. Again as the time grows closer for my "hard" chemo treatment I find myself in this battle of Faith vs Fear, and I hate to say that a lot of time fear is winning. On Sunday before my treatment, having a prayer in my heart, pleading with the Lord to please help me have peace, it all came crumbling in. I looked at the faces of a dear family who less than a year ago lost their mom to cancer, and I could not stop the fear. It envelopes me, right there in Sacrament Meeting. I plead and plead with the Lord to please take it away. Fighting tears the entire meeting, finally a young man get up to bear his Testimony. He decides to share a scripture... "Did I not speak peace unto your mind" I don't know anything he said after that, The Lord was speaking to me. "Kim" what else do you need? "I did speak peace to your mind" And then I receive a gentle reminder of the peace I seek. Oh how do I keep that peace around a while? But the mind is weak, and I continue to seek it, I continue to fight against the oppositional feelings of fear and doubt.
I received a blessing from my brother, when I did not feel like I could do it again. He told me not to forget about Gratitude. That Faith and Gratitude work hand in hand. We talked after the blessing, and now I have somethings to work on. Gratitude. I've been reading the conference additions of the Ensign, Elder Bednar and President Monson's talk I loved this quote by President Monson "Both abundance and lack (of abundance) exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend..." I'm afraid I've been tending the weeds of fear, doubt, no hope until my secret garden is overgrown, It now going to take a little work to nourish the flowers of hope, faith, gratitude, love there to be able to live by faith.
This life is a process, I'm in the process and still working! And I thank my Heavenly Father for his endless patience
