I've not written in a while, because I've been really feeling down, struggling with my resolve, struggling with faith, struggling with purpose, in general having a rough time. Before my last "hard" treatment, I started playing the "its not fair" game. Not a game I like to play and really it has no purpose, except a destructive one. and to make me struggle more. Our family had the opportunity again this year to go to Rocky Point over fall break again. Which is a big thing, as I was suppose to have my "hard" treatment that week and my Dr. let me take that week off so we could go. It was towards the end of that week that the reality of what (my) life consist of started to hit. "It's not fair, I don't want to be sick", "I don't want to have to plan my life around chemo treatments", "I want to participate in life, not just watch it go by while I'm sick from chemo". . When the sign up sheet is passed around in R.S. to sign up to bring in a meal, or help out with something, I want to sign it, but I can't. "Will I feel sick then?" "Or does it conflict with my treatments" . "I don't want to do this anymore". And so it goes in this downward spiral. I know who is behind the "its not fair" game and this BIG pity party that I've been on. Just because I know who's behind it, how do I climb out? I thought I knew. I started doing the things with more effort the things I'm suppose to. Pray more, Read my Scriptures more, Attend the Temple, Pray, Read, Pray, but it wasn't working. It worked before, why not now?
It started getting pretty bad, fear set in, doubt was creeping into my heart. Was I ever going to be healthy? Or was my life going to revolve around Dr's., chemo treatments, health issues. Did the Priesthood blessing I received going to happen? Was I worthy of it? Was I ever going to feel "normal"? These feeling continued through my last "hard" treatment and to my next regular treatment and am now just starting to feel my heart turn. I don't know exactly what has made the difference, maybe a lot of little things. I've continued to study my scriptures, maybe a little harder, I've prayed, maybe a little more harder. Maybe it was, Gratitude. During my prayers after the worst of the sickness was over, I realized that it could be much worse, and in my simple way, decided to thank my Heavenly Father that I know it could be worse, and I know he is helping me, and to thank Him. I think that was the key to open my heart, a heart closed by uncertainty, Was starting to open.
It's still opening, I'm still working on it. Still reading, praying, now adding gratitude and service.
Hope I'm learning what my Heavenly Father want me to learn. Still trying.
