Backtracking
Let me back track a little. In January, I was scheduled for a PET scan. When I went back to the Dr. he said that they found a lymph node that had some metabolic activity, he told me not to worry and then scheduled me for an Ultrasound, the ultra sound came back that I had a fatty lymph node, but the Dr. wanted to repeat the PET scan in June, so following another scan the same lymph node was in questions, I was scheduled for a biopsy (bibospy as I call it). It was suppose to be a ultra sound guided needle biopsy, only they could not locate the lymph node on ultra sound so they whisked me off to a CT machine and they did a CT guided needle biopsy. As you already know the results were cancer. When meeting with my oncologist, it was very different than the first time, its like when you get cancer you follow in a line just like everyone else, you have surgery, chemo, radiation etc. But when it comes back the Dr. don't have a line to follow, which as a patient if not a very good feeling. Dr. Khanuja wanted me to see my surgeon, my radiation oncologist and then they would decide what is the best plan. Dr. Cortesi (surgeon) said, "I can get it" but do I want to, the results of surgery would be definite lymphadema (swelling) in my arm, I could also experience weakness in my right hand, I could also loose the use of my right arm completely, but "I can get it". The ideal thing would be to see my radiation oncologist to see if that area has already been radiated and if he thinks he can get to it. You have know that I love my Dr.'s. But after my visit with her the next day I was to see Dr. Taylor. (radiation) Dr. Taylor said radiation was not an option, he already hit that area as hard as he could. So you see where I was at, I've met with 3 doctors and don't have a plan. If you know me, I like to have a plan. I feel blessed to have the Dr. I have, Dr. Khanuja called me at home and said that the 3 of them would be conferencing together to determine the best plan for me, and that he would be talking to his college's. They suggested surgery, followed by chemo. I wasn't so sure I was ready for that...

It officially begins - September 4th 7:30am
After meeting with my oncologist this week, that is the start date. The only thing good about that is the sooner I start the sooner I finish! Here is the plan. I will be taking a combination of two types of chemo (Carboplatin & Taxol) every three weeks for 6 treatments. And in addition to that an every week treatment of Herceptin for 13 months. The funny thing is, I need a hair cut really bad, and my gray roots are showing, but why spend the money. In a few weeks I'll be bald as a bat. (are bats really bald?) Loosing my hair last time was not a big deal to me, I'm not one of those that goes for wigs. I have a special gift and that is I can spot a toupee or a wig a mile away and I never wanted to be one of those people who looked like they were wearing a wig. This time I might just go bald and not worry about hats and scarfs. Anyway, I'm asked a lot, "how are you dealing with this"? My answer, is (denial). No not really, I just choose not to think about it, or let it control my thoughts. I know its happening, I know it's going to happen and I will just handle it one treatment at a time. My choices are, I'm exercising Faith. My brother David shared with me a scripture in Hebrews 11:11 (this is a great chapter on Faith) In this chapter it is talking about all the people in the scriptures who had Faith. Noah, Moses, etc. well verse 11 says something like and Sara's faith was to be strengthened in child bearing. David reminded me of the age of Sara, of the conditions that she was in and to be bearing a child. That is where I'm concentrating my Faith. I pray that my loving Heavenly Father can strengthened me during this challenge, that I will be able to continue in my role as wife and mother, and that I will be able to continue to serve Him.

Small Blessings

I can not understand how those outside of the church handle difficult situations in their lives. Having a knowledge of the Gospel really helps put thing into perspective, and give us directions. Recently I've been studying about Faith, I've been reading a book called Unlocking the powers of Faith, I've been studying my scriptures and as it just so happens my gospel doctrine lesson was on Faith, I've also been listening to a talk by Elder Gene R. Cook on Faith in Jesus Christ when I drive. Through this study I've been trying an experiment with Faith. After my surgery, I decided to have Faith that Heavenly Father would not make me do chemo, or that by having unwavering Faith that I would be healed. In my mind I was so hopeful that the pathology reports would comeback favorable and that I would be healed. So for over a week, these were my thoughts, and where I put my Faith. All along in my studies on Faith learning about work, or doing our part to have our Faith manifested in what we desire. Essentially I was setting myself up to fall. Because I was not allowing my Heavenly Father to tell me what He wanted me to do "work" I was telling him what I desired and what I wanted to do. It doesn't work like that. But anyway I was proceeding in this direction. The day came for me to see my surgeon, she had the results of my pathology report, with hope in my heart I sat down to listen to what they found. Not only did they take one lymph node out that was cancer, they took two more out that had cancer in them, they took an additional 2 more lymph node that were clear. As I was driving home from the Doctor, I called Dennis and said, I guess I have to do chemo. It was a blow to me, I felt like my legs were knocked out from under me. I felt myself pull away from my Heavenly Father a little, I felt my Faith to be shaken a little, I didn't have the peace that I've been blessed to have. I would say I was a little mad at Heavenly Father. Boy was I in the wrong or what! I've been wanting to attend the Temple, and the one time I was going something came up (you know how that happens), so I was going to try again and not let anything stand in my way. Friday, I went to the Temple, searching for peace. Knowing that I made the decision to move forward with the treatments, but searching for my Faith, and for peace. I sat in the session, my mind wondering, not being able to focus, so by the time we got to the final presentation room, my prayers became more urgent. Please Heavenly Father, what is going to happen to me? Am I going to die? Do I need to prepare my children. With tears streaming down my face, I believe that I was beginning to become humble again, humble enough to want to hear what my Heavenly Father wants me to do, and not what I want to do. As I went into the celestial room, to my dismay there were a lot of people in there, but I was able to find a chair and sit and pray. With the tears still flowing, my head bowed and praying still to know his will, and what is going to happen to me. The answers still did not come. I prayed harder, pleading to have some peace. When the thoughts came to me "why are you doubting" and peace began to flood my body. I don't know why am I doubting? I asked myself. With tears flowing harder I asked for forgiveness for my unbelief, for my lack of faith, for me not being willing. I resolved with the Lord to follow and to have more faith.
I can not tell you was a physical difference I have felt since then. I feel at peace. I'm not in charge here, but I know who is. And He loves me, He knows me and I will try to do His will.

I'm so grateful for these small but tender mercies from a loving Heavenly Father.

Round Two

Yes this is round 2. A couple of things I decided this time around was that I'm going to keep a journal so that I can remember and share with others my experience.

The first time (and I was hoping to be the last) was in the summer of 2004. I found a lump in my right breast, had a biposy, and was told at the end of July it was Cancer. I think the first thing you do or I did was go be in shock, I cryed a little, but really I was oblivious to what "you have cancer" means. At that time my children ranged from 9yrs old to 17yrs old, I remember sitting them all down and Dennis and I telling them, they kind of just stared at us. Probably in shock like I was at first. This was all new for us, we are a relitively healthy family, so going to 5 different Doctors was foreign to us. After gathering all the different opinions on what I should do, we decided to proceed with a right masectomy with a tram-flap reconstruction which took place in September, 2004.
The journey began, with 8 rounds of chemo and 6 weeks of radiation in July of 2005 I was "finished" or I thought I was. Untill Round 2