I can not understand how those outside of the church handle difficult situations in their lives. Having a knowledge of the Gospel really helps put thing into perspective, and give us directions. Recently I've been studying about Faith, I've been reading a book called Unlocking the powers of Faith, I've been studying my scriptures and as it just so happens my gospel doctrine lesson was on Faith, I've also been listening to a talk by Elder Gene R. Cook on Faith in Jesus Christ when I drive. Through this study I've been trying an experiment with Faith. After my surgery, I decided to have Faith that Heavenly Father would not make me do chemo, or that by having unwavering Faith that I would be healed. In my mind I was so hopeful that the pathology reports would comeback favorable and that I would be healed. So for over a week, these were my thoughts, and where I put my Faith. All along in my studies on Faith learning about work, or doing our part to have our Faith manifested in what we desire. Essentially I was setting myself up to fall. Because I was not allowing my Heavenly Father to tell me what He wanted me to do "work" I was telling him what I desired and what I wanted to do. It doesn't work like that. But anyway I was proceeding in this direction. The day came for me to see my surgeon, she had the results of my pathology report, with hope in my heart I sat down to listen to what they found. Not only did they take one lymph node out that was cancer, they took two more out that had cancer in them, they took an additional 2 more lymph node that were clear. As I was driving home from the Doctor, I called Dennis and said, I guess I have to do chemo. It was a blow to me, I felt like my legs were knocked out from under me. I felt myself pull away from my Heavenly Father a little, I felt my Faith to be shaken a little, I didn't have the peace that I've been blessed to have. I would say I was a little mad at Heavenly Father. Boy was I in the wrong or what! I've been wanting to attend the Temple, and the one time I was going something came up (you know how that happens), so I was going to try again and not let anything stand in my way. Friday, I went to the Temple, searching for peace. Knowing that I made the decision to move forward with the treatments, but searching for my Faith, and for peace. I sat in the session, my mind wondering, not being able to focus, so by the time we got to the final presentation room, my prayers became more urgent. Please Heavenly Father, what is going to happen to me? Am I going to die? Do I need to prepare my children. With tears streaming down my face, I believe that I was beginning to become humble again, humble enough to want to hear what my Heavenly Father wants me to do, and not what I want to do. As I went into the celestial room, to my dismay there were a lot of people in there, but I was able to find a chair and sit and pray. With the tears still flowing, my head bowed and praying still to know his will, and what is going to happen to me. The answers still did not come. I prayed harder, pleading to have some peace. When the thoughts came to me "why are you doubting" and peace began to flood my body. I don't know why am I doubting? I asked myself. With tears flowing harder I asked for forgiveness for my unbelief, for my lack of faith, for me not being willing. I resolved with the Lord to follow and to have more faith.
I can not tell you was a physical difference I have felt since then. I feel at peace. I'm not in charge here, but I know who is. And He loves me, He knows me and I will try to do His will.
I'm so grateful for these small but tender mercies from a loving Heavenly Father.
