Today was our Stake Temple day, I went back and forth about going, if I was feeling up to it. But decided to go in the end. The Temple is the perfect place to put everything in perspective. There are a few things normal people (with hair) don't think of when going to the Temple, but I've done this before and know that you can "rent" a white hat. Well not anymore. I rented my clothing and asked if I could have a hat to cover my head, the sweet sister called another sister to ask where they put the hats. And this sister said "Oh, we don't have those anymore". Tears instantly, and wondering what do I do? Now if you know me, and have been to my house, you've seen me bald, but at the Temple, with a lot of members from my stake? My worries, I don't want to be a distraction, the sisters assured me that it would be okay. Another issue, I brought my packet and my packet contains a veil that clips into you hair (or hat), I can't use that, so I got a different veil. I could not stop the tears, what was I crying about, I'm not a vain person, why was this upsetting me. I guess I am a little vain, because why else would this bother me, there is not judging in the Temple, this is just ME. Anyway, back to putting things into perspective... with each "bad" chemo treatment, it wears me down, I feel sorry for myself, I feel like "I don't think I can do this", I feel like "Heavenly Father, HELP".

Perspective... I learned a couple of things today. When Eve partook of the fruit, she took it with the knowledge that she would out of the bitter, taste the sweet. We can not know how sweet things are unless we have tasted the challenging bitter. I've heard this countless times as I've attended the Temple, but today it reaffirmed to me that "I can do this"!, "I can do this"! Heavenly Father, loves each of us, I think if he could have done it any other way, but allow Eve to partake of the fruit he would have. But He know that she (we) needed to.

Then, later in my Temple visit, I had the beautifully, peaceful feeling of my Heavenly Fathers love for me. At the conclusion at the veil, with tears streaming down my face, I was reminded that I can have health, marrow to my bones, and most importantly Power from the Priesthood. I knew! He knows me and Love me and is helping me.
Just keep going Kim.

This is the Place...

People ask me all the time about chemo, how do I get it, where do I go etc. So here are a few pictures of where it is I go every Thursday. The "chemo" room is big with lazy boy chairs to make you feel as comfortable as possible. The lady sitting next to me is one that I see every Thursday, we have our own little support group, the gentleman across the way is also one I see often. It's nice to get to know people there, share stories, share tips and learn about each other. One thing that is very obvious when I'm sitting there talking to people is I am so blessed to have the Gospel. With that knowledge I have hope, peace, comfort, and I know plan. It is sad to me as we talk to not feel those things from them. Granite, I definitely have my "bad" days, where hope is hard to find, where I'm wishing for a little comfort and peace.

This last Thursday, I was almost finished (4hour later) when a mother and a young girl came in, the girl was about 19-20 years old, that puts things into perspective. Her mother lives in California and comes and helps out during her chemo treatments, this young beautiful girl with her whole life ahead of her. I want her to know the plan, I want to share with everyone there the Gospel. But I don't know how... Sometimes I bring my scriptures to read, sometimes my favorite book about Faith, we ask about each others lives, about their children, husbands, wives, family. How do I share with them what I believe? I don't have an answer yet, I'm still working on it, all I know is that through my words and actions they can hopefully see my Faith.

This is day 4 after treatment, and I'm starting to feel like myself again. My children are amazing, they just pick up and carry on while I'm "checked out" . Kyle will be cleaning and doing the dishes (without even being asked). Paige is cleaning, doing laundry. Angela, it the best leg and foot mesager and takes care of me. Niki, worries about me, and wants to make me comfortable. Whitney, though she is away calls just to check to see if I'm okay. She said she knows I'm okay when I lecture her. Most of all I know that my Heavenly Father blessed me with Dennis, he is everything to me. Kind & gentle Dennis. I love my family.

Hair today - Gone tommarow

Its just hair, and it will grow back. When one of the side effect say "hair loss", you expect it to happen, and then time goes by and you still have your hair, and then all of a sudden you brush your hair and the brush is full of hair. This continues for a few days, and when you run your fingers through your hair you end up with a handful. You have to decide, do I live with it or do shave it off. I guess I'm a little of a control freak, I choose to shave it off, no more shedding all over everything. So we made it a family event. I asked my kids if they remember the last time we did this, and most of them didn't, so each of them got a turn at my hair.

They thought it was funny to give me a mo-hawk.

The New me, at least for about 6 months, then it will grow back, I'm hoping for a beautiful brown color, straight hair. I'll probably get curly and gray. We missed Whitney in this family event, I think she would have had the most fun. A family that shaves together stays together.

Hard Things...
Those few days that I don't feel so great, I do a lot of thinking.
I've continued my study on Faith, listened to my favorite speaker Gene R. Cook on Faith. I seem to question or review with myself, how strong is my Faith, am I doubting, do I not deserve to feel better, am I not exercizing enough Faith? It's my Faith meter, thinking and asking myself questions. Here are some of my thoughts...
Because when I knew it was time to start chemo, that is where I was focusing my faith, in that Heavenly Father can strengthen me, that I can make it through the hard chemo, and not get sick and check out of life for a week. He can move mountains. He can strengthen me. My Mom & Dad came to help me, and I was talking with my Dad, during one of the bad days, at this point the pain in my joints, legs, hands, feet were pretty bad. This is the thought that came to me in our discussion... Heavenly Father is asking Me to do something (Hard), It wouldn't be hard, if it was easy. I had to question, what am I asking in Faith for? I did receive strength, I was not as sick as last time, I didn't have some of the really bad side effects as last time, it didn't last as long as last time. Do I want Him to take it all away? No. He is making it easier, but He still asking me to do something Hard. Hard in the way that He is teaching me, teaching my family, my husband the things we need to learn. I don't want to trade Him taking the "Hard" stuff away and Us not learning along the way. Such are trials, they are hard.
Our Heavenly Father sent an angel to comfort Jesus Christ in Gethsemane during such a "Hard" experience. I too have felt him lighten my burdens and strengten me during this hard experience. I know He love me!

Friends
They make life, a happier place!
I have some very dear friends who gave me a wonderful gift. If you know me, I really don't like people doing things for me, but how can you tell someone NO, when they pull out all the stops and say things like. "I was in the Temple" and "I felt we needed to do this for you" What are you suppose to say to that? So I relented and backed down and they did it. I have a new beautiful bedroom, thanks to Dawna, Joanna, Suzie, Cindy, April, Carol, and more I know behind the scenes. When I said "OK" the flood gates opened, Dawna found a new comforter, brought paint swatches by, and next thing you know they are all coming to paint, and re-do ever thing. I love my new room. I don't have a before picture but I'm going to take some afters just so you can see.
I love my friends, they might not know how much. But they mean a lot to me, I feel very blessed to have them around me.

Out of the Fog...
I've not written for a while, but I'm finally out of the fog and into the sunlight. What does that mean? Well you know last Thursday, was the "big" treatment, and I felt pretty good, The fog comes on slowly and stays for about 4 days, my head aches, my body aches, my stomach aches, everything aches, (its like the battle is being fought inside my body and my body is loosing) but by Monday, I was starting to feel like my self and as the week continued, each day was a little better. Until today I feel the sunshine again. I was talking to a dear friend, and if you have ever been a sick pregnant person you'll understand this. I get so sick when I'm pregnant, and having the yucky chemo treatment every three weeks is like getting pregnant every three weeks. At least when you are really getting pregnant, you have that "forget" time between pregnancies, you don't seem to remember really how bad it was, so you do it again. But every three weeks there is not so much "forget" time. With all that you can see that I was a little nervous about this Thursday's treatment of Herceptin. But no worries, I was in and out in just over one hour, the nurse said I would have no side effects. And I left happy, thinking "I can do this".

Day 1 - Thursday 9/4/08
Today was my first chemo treatment. (Its one of those surreal things, like you know it's coming but now here it is). Let me back up to yesterday, Wednesday, I've still been working, mainly to keep my mind busy. But I needed to leave early, I could not concentrate, I got in my car and all the way home cried, and had a breakdown when I got home. Faith is a tangible thing that seems hard for me to hold onto at times, I let fear take over, And I know when I have fear I can not have Faith. I called my brother Dave, I knew he could help. He talked me through my feelings, told me he as a struggle with holding onto Faith, and that gave me a lot of comfort. So I felt better, like I was able to do this. That night at 8pm I had to take my first medication anti-nausea 5pills, then Dennis had to wake me up at 2am to take 5 more pills. Wednesday morning, up early (didn't sleep well anyway) got the children all ready for school, said our family prayers and Dennis gave me a priesthood blessing, that I would have His peace to be with me today. Off to Ironwood Cancer Center. They hooked me up at about 8am and I didn't leave until 2:30pm what a long day. The nice thing is they give me some pre-chemo medication, one is Benadrill which makes me really tired so I slept the first couple of hours. The other one is an anti-nausea medication, and I had the strangest reaction, thank goodness Dennis was sitting right by me. All of a sudden I felt this really hot sensation flow down both my arms, my hands started to tingle and then in my lower abdomen that hot sensation started to move up toward my neck and I felt heavy in the chest, It scared me and I looked over to Dennis and said "get the nurse" they came over and shut off the medication, She said I was probably just a reaction, the sensation went away and then they turned on the medication again, a little slower this time. Other than that, it just takes a long time to have three different chemo treatments. They give you one at a time and each one takes about 1-2 hours to give. Its an interesting thing sitting there with all the other people each getting their own mix of chemo, talking and sharing stories (its like having a baby story) everyone has a cancer story. A woman came in with her mother, I could tell this was her first time, she was nervous and scared, she sat right across from me. After they hooked her up she was crying and afraid, I didn't know what to say. Finally I caught her eye and said, looks like we will see each other a lot, You'll be here every three weeks and so will I, we will have to compare bald heads. We talked a little, she has kids at home, that are about the same ages as mine were last time I did this. We talked about how they were handling it. We had a nice chat and as she left she said, "bring pictures of your kids and I will to". A little while later another woman came in and shared with me that she uses these "sea bands" to help with the nausea. You know the ones people use when going on a cruise. So after we got home I sent Dennis out for some. They are just a wrist band you wear that puts acupressure on your wrist. So far so good.
I feel very blessed that I feel good. I've put all my faith in my Heavenly Father to bless me that I can continue to feel good, because my family needs me.

Fear
Its funny well maybe not funny but interesting how fear can overtake us. It's something we fight all the time. I know that my little step towards chemo was right, but as you get right down to the nitty gritty, it a lot frightening. For me it's like my mind is full, I can't concentrate. This week I was suppose to be preparing my lesson, but my mind was everywhere, and yet no where. I was a mess. Until you turn over your fear to the Lord, it can consume you. And as we know you can not have Faith and Fear at the same time. It is impossible.

I love the Temple, there you find such peace. And again that is where my fear's turned to Faith. Sitting in the Celestial room with Dennis, I said to him "I'm not afraid anymore" and then a great deal of gratitude filled my heart. Again I am blessed, I am loved. He has a plan for me.

What to do?
I felt as unsure as the Dr.'s. What do I do? I'd been praying for answers, I'd talked to a "naturalist" Who do I believe, what do I do? I asked Dennis for a blessing, and continues to pray. I called my Dad to see when he was coming down to the valley, and if he would give me a fathers blessing. He said he would be glad to. He told me also that when I was visiting them the weekend before, which is right after I found out it was cancer, he was hoping I would ask him for a fathers blessing then. It is so interesting, that that weekend I had the thought come to me to ask, but I didn't feel ready, I was not ready to hear what my Heavenly Father wanted to tell me, or that I wasn't humble enough to hear. I progress a little slower than most, but by the next week I was getting there (more humble) and was ready. My Mom asked if I would like my brothers to participate, and I said YES. So we had planned for Thursday July 31st at 8pm. Dennis and I sat our kids down (except Whitney we had to call her) and shared with them what was going to happen, that we would be fasting that Heavenly Father would bless me with a direction, that I would know that he knows me and knows the desires of my heart. The children decided to fast as well. I had been studying about Faith in my preparations, I had been listening to good music, I had been praying all day long to preparemyself to hear. As we gathered together that evening my brothers (minus David & Aaron) and my sister were there, and we waited for Jeff. I find that is it a difficult thing to keep the spirit, it comes and it can leave very quickly, we were struggling to keep the spirit present, Jeff was unable to make it. And we were struggling to keep that sweet spirit close, so we decided to move forward. We sang "I am a Child of God" and the spirit flooded back into the room, we opened with prayer. Then as I sat in a chair, my father, my husband and my brothers surrounded me as my father gave me a sweet, brief, powerful blessing. Rebuking the Cancer, and for me to be healed. I could not control my emotions, I knew that Heavenly Father loved me, He knew who I am, and what I need. I felt this all.

Did this blessing answer all my questions? Did it give me the "plan"? No to both of them. What it did do was strengthen my Faith in Him. But now where to put my Faith, do I believe and live my life on the Faith that He can heal me, do I listen to my Dr.'s, do I listen to the "naturalist", and by doing something, does that show my lack of faith in Him. I felt at peace but not sure what to do. The interesting thing is that my Heavenly Father knows me so well, He was only asking for one step at a time, one little small step toward the darkness and then he would light the way to the next step into the darkness. Dennis and I decided to: Have the surgery, and as soon as we did, it felt right (that small step). People would ask "so when you starting chemo" and my answer was, I'm not ready to make that step, I'm making just this one first. So I proceeded with surgery, where they were able to get 5 lymph nodes, and install a port (access for chemo). The pathology report showed 3 of those lymph nodes were positive for cancer and 2 were clean. It's time for that second step into the darkness. I called Dennis and said Ok it's time to move forward. And I called that day to make the appointment with Dr. Khanuja. One little step at a time.